1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don’t miss Sports Center (Sky)
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) Not a concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) “I hope we can still be friends.”
b) “I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….”
c) “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, check into therapy, you’re still a little confused.
If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.
Don’t cheat! Before you read on, choose your favorite marshmallow bit from Lucky Charms cereal from the list below:
Pink hearts
Yellow moons
Orange stars
Green clovers
Blue diamonds
Purple horseshoes
Those icky oat bits
Okay. Have you got one in mind? Now you can read on. And don’t change it!
An amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms
marshmallow bit shape determines what you’re like in bed!
Yes, it’s true–just take this simple test to determine your true
bedroom personality:
GREEN CLOVERS: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you’re a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don’t take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don’t have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up.
BLUE DIAMONDS: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you’ll get later. “If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?” is probably what’s going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love.
ORANGE STARS: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you
expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while
making love.
PINK HEARTS: If you like pink hearts, you’re the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he’s too distracted to form coherent phrases, you’ll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.
PURPLE HORSESHOES: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes–she’s/ he’s likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you’re not looking and who knows what could happen next?
YELLOW MOONS: If you’re the yellow moon type, you’re more interested in satisfying your partner’s needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her/his needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the yellow moons out of her cereal as soon as she opens
the box.
OAT BITS: Those little oat bits that aren’t marshmallows at all: If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don’t like sex anyway and don’t need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.
By Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. and Robert Weiss, LCSW
Answer each question yes or no. Depending on the particular pattern of symptoms:
1- 3 “yes” responses may indicate an area of concern and should be openly discussed with a friend or family member.
4 - 6 positive answers would indicate a possible problem with sexual addiction, leading to consideration of a 12-Step support program such as Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Recovery Anonymous, or Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (click 12-STEP INFO button).
6 or more “yes” responses clearly describe a problem with potentially self abusive and/or dangerous consequences. Should seriously consider treatment with a counselor trained in the area of sexual addiction.
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Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
Have you subscribed or regularly purchased/rented sexually explicit magazines or videos?
Did your parents have trouble with their sexual or romantic behaviors?
Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
Has your use of phone sex lines, computer sex lines etc. exceeded your ability to pay for these services?
Does your significant other(s), friends, or family ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior? (not related to sexual orientation)
Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate and/or dangerous to your health?
Has your involvement with pornography, phone sex, computer board sex, etc. become greater than your intimate contacts with romantic partners?
Do you keep the extent or nature of your sexual activities hidden from your friends and/or partners? (not related to sexual orientation)
Do you look forward to events with friends or family being over so that you can go out to have sex?
Do you visit sexual bathhouses, sex clubs and/or video bookstores as a regular part of your sexual activity?
Do you believe that anonymous or casual sex has kept you from having more long-term intimate relationships or from reaching other personal goals?
Do you have trouble maintaining intimate relationships once the “sexual newness” of the person has worn off?
Do your sexual encounters place you in danger of arrest for lewd conduct or public indecency?
Have you spent time worrying about being HIV positive, and continue to engage in risky or unsafe sexual behavior anyway?
Has anyone ever been hurt emotionally by events related to your sexual behavior, e.g. lying to partner or friends, not showing up for event/appointment due to sexual liaisons, etc., (not related to sexual orientation)?
Have you ever been approached, charged, arrested by the police, security, etc. due to sexual activity in a public place?
Has sex been a way for you to escape your problems?
When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?
Have you made repeated promises to yourself to change some form of your sexual activity only to break them later? (not related to sexual orientation)
Have your sexual activities interfered with some aspect of your professional or personal life, e.g. unable to perform at work, loss of relationship? (not related to sexual orientation)
Have you engaged in unsafe or “risky” sexual practices even though you knew it could cause you harm?
Have you ever paid for sex?
Have you ever had sex with someone just because you were feeling aroused and later felt ashamed or regretted it?
Have you ever cruised public restrooms, rest areas and/or parks looking for sexual encounters with strangers?